she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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