He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
