somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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