you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
