You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
