dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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