"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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