we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
