Do you still have your period?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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