the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
