I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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