capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
