it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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