tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize