I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i believe in u and ur pee
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
