Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
