My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
