I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize