This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
