When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
