so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
