Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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