Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
