so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
