Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I could make wine with my vomit
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
