I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
