Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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