shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
