Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
