i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
honey bunches of taint.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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