Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
