Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Couch. On fire.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
