Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
