My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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