please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
