I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize