Your tits are I can't wait for
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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