a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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