He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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