Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
