I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Be still, my beating vagina.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
