Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
