I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
