I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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