My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
