Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
