Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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