In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
