so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize