If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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