I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
