I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
