Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
